Can't Breathe, Don't Want To
by saltandburnit
Summary: "Break the surface, take a breath, feel the fear and get plunged in again." Luffy had almost drowned many times before. And he was always saved by someone. But this time he knew. No one was coming.


**Can't Breathe, Don't Want To**

**Summary:** _"Break the surface, take a breath, feel the fear and get plunged in again._" Luffy had almost drowned many times before. And he was always saved by someone. But this time he knew. No one was coming.

* * *

He's dizzy and tired and weak, so _painfully _weak. His mind is screaming at him to _breathe, breathe, BREATHE_, but he can't. He'll die. There's water everywhere, soaking him to the bone, freezing his skin while his lungs are burning. His strength is gone. He doesn't need it anyway. Not anymore.

Many, many years ago he could rely on two older boys to always fish him out.

_ Stupid, stupid, slippery crocodile. Now he couldn't breathe. Weakness was spreading through his body and for a moment he feared of dying, of losing his dreams and his future just to catch his stupid dinner. But something touched him then. Strong arms, fierce, determined. They grabbed at him in a tight grip and roughly pulled him out. His head broke the surface and he inhaled so deeply his stomach had to stretch._

_"Luffy? Are you ok?"_

_ The young boy turned towards the familiar voice and found his blonde brother wet yet smiling, albeit a little worriedly. A quick look around told him Ace was waiting at the edge of the lake, trying to hide his concern as he stared at them both._

_ Luffy being Luffy gave them both his trademark wide grin and thanked his brother for saving him._

_ A few weeks later Dogra came home with some devastating news._

He hits the surface with a gasp. His bleary eyes can't see much other than the messy, dripping black hair in front of his face. It doesn't matter either way.

Many, many years ago, he could rely on his kind blonde brother to always fish him out of the water. Many, many years ago that same brother was killed by the Celestial Dragons in a watery grave. And he found his heart drowning in pain.

He feels the tug on his chains and prepares himself for another dive. A breath that's not even so deep is all that he has time to take. Soon enough the water envelops him again, embracing him with ice cold arms, constructing, hurting him. He wishes for a numbness to come soon. He wishes for the helplessness to go away. He knows neither of them will come.

A long time ago, he could count on one special freckled boy to always save him.

_Something, or better yet someone was hurriedly dragging him to the shore. The raven-haired boy was barely conscious, his eyesight blurry, his body limp like a ragdoll. A figure was hovering over him though, worried, uncertain and suddenly a warm, surprisingly gentle hand was touching his cheek. The touch turned out to be annoying tapping, yet he still couldn't bring himself to open his eyes, or move at all._

_"Luffy? Are you ok? Talk to me. Lu? LU!"_

_ The angst in the voice made his slowly beating heart clench. He tried to comply harder and harder, because _that_ voice was always strong, _that_ voice was always there and _that _voice should never _ever_ sound so scared. Not for him, not for anybody. His aching lungs tried to work properly again and he started coughing violently, spraying water all over his brother's shirt. Teary, ink black eyes looked up and found Ace looking at him full of concern and something… something akin to fear… But Ace shouldn't be scared. He couldn't be._

_ So Luffy smiled his grin of sunshine and gladly saw his brother do the same._

_ A few years ago a bleeding, _smiling_ body slipped from his arms to the unforgiving pavement underneath._

The pain in his chest is excruciating even as he's pulled out of the cold torture once again. A series of short inhales later and he still can't breathe, he _can't. breathe. _and he still doesn't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. He knows perfectly well what will happen if he doesn't. What escapes him is if he would really mind that.

A long time ago he could count on his loving older brother to always save him. A few years ago that brother had died in his arms and he wishes he had never put that burden on him in the first place. A few years ago it was his mind that was drowning, broken as it was, unreachable, denying.

Break the surface. Take a breath. Feel the fear and get plunged in again.

Like a never ending circle. Cold, pain, gasping, _breathe_, cold, pain, gasping, _breathe, STOP, _cold… And it all begins again.

Not so long ago he had his nakama to help him out in need.

_The Straw Hat captain wasn't even scared. After so many times of falling in the water, he had come to accept it as a common occurrence and waited, holding his panic from the lack of strength back until a crew member of his came to his aid. It didn't matter that they hadn't actually been together for long, or how things were somewhat different now. No, Luffy trusted them with his life and that was exactly what he was doing now. He would never believe otherwise. He refused to._

_ Surely enough, within seconds, strong, muscular arms wrapped around his waist. A mop of bright green hair entered his eyesight and Luffy smiled, even underwater, knowing Zoro would get him to safety. It could be his dazed mind playing with him, but he could have sworn he saw a smirk in Zoro's face as a response. With nakama like his, he couldn't ask for anything else in the world. Because he already had everything he needed._

_ It was a week ago that things truly went wrong._

"_AH!"_ He can't help but _breathe_ as he once again feels the air on his face. He has stopped shaking a while ago and he briefly wonders if that means they'll have to take him out soon before he dies of hypothermia. Not that they care. Not that he cares much either. Maybe they'll try boiling water next. He's not sure how he feels about that.

Not so long ago his nakama were always there for him. In reality, in his mind, in his heart. Now it hurts just to think about it. Now he found himself preferring to drown.

_ The battle was harrowing and harder than anything they had ever faced. Luffy's heart was beating rapidly as he relived the fear of Sabaody. Only this time they weren't going to be flown away. They were going to _die._ All of them. And it would be his fault._

_ Despite the whole crew having bounties, the Marine Captain agreed to leave his nakama alone. All he wanted was Straw Hat Luffy, the son of the Revolutionary Dragon. The others weren't in any position to help him anymore anyway. The moment his body finally gave up, left in an awkward position on the ground, he forced his eyes to take a look around. His face contorted in an expression of pure horror as he took in the deep crimson stains all around him, his crew, his _family_ laying barely conscious around him. _No… Please, no.

_ The unpleasantly familiar feeling of sea stone drained all his strength and for a split second he let his gaze wander to his newly acquired handcuffs. Someone harshly pulled him up and began to drag him away from the rest. Luffy noticed Zoro shakily try to get up, an panicked look on his face. The young captain shook his head negatively, his face blank, unreadable._

_"Luffy…"_

_"Zoro, listen carefully," he said, his voice unusually commanding. "Don't you… don't you _dare_ come after me. Any of you…" _Not that you'd want to. Not after this.

_ The swordsman audibly growled at the request, but his rage was not enough to help him get up. "You can't possibly expect us to agree to this!"_

_ Luffy didn't look back at him. He wouldn't let him see the pain, the regret, the _shame_ in his eyes. The last words Zoro heard from his captain were an almost cold-hearted statement._

_"Captain's orders."_

Cough. Cough. The boy had finally stopped trying. He's hanging limply from his chains, the only thing currently keeping his torso out of the water. Black eyes are clenched shut, trying to block out all the memories.

He has lost them. He has lost them all; he has _failed_ them all.

_"Being alone is worse than getting hurt!"_

_"I won't let anyone die again!"_

_"You'll never be alone again."_

_"We'll be freer than anyone else in the world!"_

He left his crew. He is captive. He is _alone_.

He couldn't keep a single one of his promises.

Without warning, he find himself submerged in the water again. This time however he knows. No one can come for him. He will keep playing this game, repeating this circle, knowing each time that he has lost every person who had ever cared about whether he made it out or not. So when the darkness starts to descend, when his strength is drained, when he can't see, can't _feel _ the barest flicker of light, he doesn't panic.

He calmly closes his eyes. He puts on a little smile, because no matter how hard he tries he can't _grin_ anymore.

And he _breathes._


End file.
